Old photos.

I've finally found a few minutes to myself to catch up on things. I think I would go insane if it weren't for the most wonderful time of day: naptime. I'm lucky to have the boys on the same nap and sleep schedules.

Nick's mom left to go back to her home in the States last week. Yes, I was kind of heartbroken. It's not so much about having someone here to help chase after my rascals, but more about having the company around. Our house is just too big for the 4 of us and it was nice to have someone around to help fill the house. Besides the lack of adult company, things are going smoothly with only me and the boys at home all day. I feel pretty good about things and that I was able to push myself through that nasty postpartum crapola makes me feel confident.

We've done a little more traveling. Most of the travel plans were propelled by Nick's mother being here and we wanted to get her out to see a bit of Germany before she had to leave. We took day trips down to Heidelburg to see the castle. Unfortunately it was so cold and windy that day that it burned your nose and fingers so I stayed in the car with Baby Hux while everyone did a little sightseeing. I wasn't at all upset about staying in the car because I've got 2 1/2 more years to see the castle and I'd rather not risk letting the baby get an ear infection. (I was extremely prone to them as a child and I've been told by pediatricians that the susceptibility will pass onto the children.) The weekend before she left we all went to Trier to do some exploring with a pair of her friends. The weather wasn't as miserable, but as a sidenote, you really need to wear good shoes. All that walking on cobblestone in "cute" shoes isn't reasonable. Whew! I'll never pull a stunt like that again.

I recently was given a disc of pictures from my German relatives. The pictures were of my German grandparents and of my mother and aunt. I haven't met my aunt and my grandfather passed away just a few weeks before I arrived in Germany so I didn't get to meet him either. Well, technically I should say I didn't get to meet him as an adult. My mother had me here and raised me here until I was a year and a half, then we moved to the States where I would be raised by my American grandparents. Point is, I never got to really get to know my family and I was really upset not to get the chance to meet him. Everyone tells me stories of how he would always call me his Jenny and really loved having me around.

I like looking at the photos of my family that I'm starting to get to know. I laughed a bit looking at the ones of my mother, who would have been 9 years old in the pictures, at some type of Communion parade all dressed in white with a small purse and headband. I could see how my younger half brother looks just like her. Now for anyone who doesn't know already, I'm very open about the deteriorated relationship I have with my parents, especially my mother. It's not an attempt at complaining about it, but I say it the same way as I would talk to someone about the weather. I simply don't care, which is why I was so taken aback by feeling something when I looked at those pictures. Pity? Sadness? Anger? I'm not sure what it was, but it wasn't a happy feeling. It was weird. How could I feel bad or sad for this person who takes her life frustrations out on me for no reason? Who doesn't even call to see how I am when I've recently given birth? Oh God, here I go sounding bitter, but it's not bitterness. It's confusion. I cannot wrap my head around what the hell has happened between us and why am I the only one who seems to ever wonder about it?

I've been thinking that I want to call her to see how she is doing. I've been trying to come up with excuses as to why she hasn't called or written or emailed. Maybe she doesn't have long distance (I do have a vonage line, but it's not her area code), and maybe she cut off her internet to save money since she never uses a computer, and it's hard to write a letter when you care for 2 kids and work all day. I try to give the benefit of the doubt, but I know I'm making excuses for her and if I do call she'll just end up whining at me about how bad things are going and how she has no time to talk to me. I do try to hold on to hope of at least being friendly, as I am with my father. Between my father and me, we don't have expectations of each other, except to call once every few months and say "I'm alive and ok". It has become quite nice, actually. So, here's to hoping I can get to that point with my mother. I won't stop hoping for it because every so often she laughs. She rarely laughs, but when she does it's loud and infectious.

Talking about this bores me after awhile. Plus, I'm hungry now. Watching Spongebob and having a snack really takes precedence over thinking about things like this. Animal crackers anyone?

Taxes--AYYOOOO!

Maybe I am abnormal, but I look forward to every January to file taxes. Come the new year and I am foaming at the bit waiting for that W-2. This year was no different.

With our recent move to Germany, the expenses of moving, and a crappy exchange rate of dollars to euros, we are having to more careful with money than what we usually are. We try to keep our spending under control because we save all year long to buy plane tickets to the States to see our families and splurge then on frivolous items. It's the one time in the year we totally cut loose and do whatever feels good with our money. Looking at the end result, I have no problems refusing to buy silly extra things that I don't need throughout the course of the year. Then again, if I do find myself with a little extra cash it usually always goes to the boys and I prefer it that way.

Anyway, instead of saving our tax refund money, we are using the majority of it to pay off the balance on our car. This is terribly exciting to me (am I super boring or what?). I actually get a rush when a bill gets paid off. This will really start balancing things out better financially so we can get back to looking forward to vacations. In normal situations, I'm kind of a tightwad with money, so it will be nice to be in that mode for better reasons (like saving for those plane tickets!) instead of lame reasons like bills.

And I'm done talking about stupid money now. The end.

Getting There

Today has been a really good day. I keep on pushing myself to avoid getting stuck in my own head. It requires a lot of extraneous crap to occupy my mind because the minute I let my mind empty out the self doubt and depression creep on in. I truly feel that I understand the concept of being your own worst enemy, but I don't want to let it get the best of me.

We got up this morning and cut out some time while Adrian slept for Gavin and I to do some finger painting. I cut up an extra sponge to help paint but fingerpainting was much better. I helped Gavin paint out his name on some paper and I could tell he was really proud of it. It made me happy to be able to spend time with him like that, the way we used to before life got even more hectic. Gavin is such an interesting person already and I love his silly sense of humor. I don't want having a new baby around make us lose touch with one another and I don't want to forget what an amazing little dude he really is.

I've felt pretty productive lately. There's got to be an ending to frustrations and upset attitudes, and sitting around dwelling on it doesn't bring the end to those things. Sometimes you need to force yourself to laugh in order to bring about a genuine one.

Baby Blues

I want to run away sometimes. I am so thankful for my life, but there are times
when it makes my skin crawl. I want to cry over everything. Yeah, I got a good
case of the Baby Blues. I’m going to allow myself to be as open as I can about
it because I know I’m not the only one to deal with this, and this is my big
“Screw You!” to all those picture perfect mothers out there who say they can do
it all. I’m not going to act like I can do it all, because I can’t, nor will I
act perfect to maintain some stupid image I have of myself in my head. I am a
real person with imperfections. I’m looking to ease the pressure off a bit and
find a little solace in being honest with myself, even my ugly sides.
Postpartum depression affects people in different ways. Thankfully, I’ve
never had the urge to act out in a harmful way toward my children. I know many
moms feel that way and I’m sure that feels super scary. My actions boil out in
emotional ways, like how I don’t feel the desire to bond or be around them. I
view that as harmful, too, but not in an Andrea Yates way. I’m going to confess
that I’m not a “kid person”. I’m terribly awkward around them and I don’t get
my kicks playing imaginary games, but I do try my best. I love my boys with all
my heart and so I give them my best efforts. I come from a home where neither
of my parents could have been bothered to deal with me, and I never want my
children to feel that way. I love them tremendously, but I’m having a hard
time bonding. The feeling of failing at bonding or maintaining bonds leads to
guilt and it’s a cycle that eats at me.
Since the birth of Adrian 3 1/2 weeks ago, I feel like I’ve lost a piece of
me and I have no idea who I am now. I feel a guilt for taking away the role of
baby boy from Gavin. I feel awful for not wanting to play with him or having
the patience to deal with his terrible twos. I feel like all I am to Adrian is
a milk source. I don’t want to clean house, play, go outside, talk to anyone,
or do much of anything. I push myself very hard at times, and I’ll have
stretches of a few days where I feel like I can cope and starting to get a grip
on life–then I seem to backslide harder than before and I start having
difficulty getting out of bed again. Even though I keep falling down and
feeling horrible after I have a few good days of pushing through and doing my
best to be present in mind, I want to keep trying regardless of what happens a
few days later. I figure the stretches of good time will get longer and better
as long as I keep going. As cliche as it is, I cling to the phrase, “This, too,
shall pass.”
In case the question about counseling arises, I will say I’ve had tons of it
since I was 14. Nothing new has ever been revealed or uncovered in therapy,
except the fact I don’t respond well to medications. When I dealt with
postpartum depression after the birth of Gavin it was on a much smaller scale
and I had huge support network and plenty of sunshine in Japan to help combat
all those feelings. Here in Germany, there is hardly any sun, I don’t drive so
I can’t go anywhere to get a distraction, and I don’t have any network of
friends here. (I’m really picky about who I call friends and who I talk to,
which makes making friends a tad difficult.) I may try it again if I continue
on this route, but everything takes time so we’ll see.