Last week, on Tuesday, I found out that I am pregnant again.
OhcrapOhcrapOhcrap.
I'm not sure what to think of it all. My estimated due date right now is at the very end of March, which would mean that Gavin would be 2 months shy of turning of 4 and Adrian would be 1 year and 2 months old.
This was a total surprise - as far as surprises of pregnancy go when you're having sex, I suppose. Gavin and Adrian were each planned at a good time for us when we knew we were ready. This really happened too soon for my liking and I'm having difficulty wrapping my head around the whole situation. There are too many open ended questions without definitive answers here. All I know is that I've never been so scared and unprepared in my life. I won't say that I hate the idea, because I don't, but it does worry me when I look at the logistics.
Children are so precious and I am of the mindset and belief to trust that they are gifts and should be treated as such, but the responsibility can be crushing at times. I don't know if anyone who isn't a military spouse could really understand the feeling of being so alone in a world so big trying to juggle so much at once. As a good military spouse you have to be fully flexible to your partner's schedule and that can mean he could be gone for a year or more! I'm not just talking about late nights at the office, ya know. This encorporates a whole difference scenario of being freaking alone and having to continue with life without your partner for who knows how long or when it will happen. For example, how do women involve their husbands who are gone in births of children? Webcams. Yup. It's not uncommon to have a husband on the phone or a webcam while a wife is in labor, and I've only seen this in military families. While I've been lucky enough so far not to be without my husband during child bearing I've heard of this scene happening time and again.
You lose so much support when you move overseas, too. You really have to cling to the other military families you make friends with even though it will only be temporary. We've made a decision to move on base to get closer to people in the same boat as us. I think it will help just to have that sense of community. But even doing that will not be able to replace those missing family members that you miss so much. Having children in the mix is even harder because you realize that your family is missing out so much in their lives, too.
My personal issues with this is mostly based on the fear of being unprepared. Yeah, I've got all the baby clothes (if it's a boy) and the crib and gear. I'm unprepared mentally. What if I can't spread myself enough to be able to give each child what they want and need as individuals? What if I fall into a deep post partum depression again and am unable to cope? What if Adrian feels passed over? Will I be able to celebrate Adrian's achievements the same way I did with Gavin? How will I do the simplest of tasks, like going to the store, with all of them? Will Gavin feel left out if the younger two become cliquish? Who will help me survive this whirlwind?
When it comes down to it, I'm so happy for the children. All I wanted was for my children to be close and find a best friend in each other. I hope that's what they'll become and they will be able to forgive me of all my shortcomings in parenting because I have plenty.
